If you've kept up with my blog, you've probably read over the past two months my different posts Lost and Found.
I was searching for something very precious to me that I had lost. It wasn't your typical treasure you might want to get back; this was a person, who was worth far more to me than any ordinary treasure.
God placed her on my mind and in my heart for these past 6 weeks. I cannot believe it's only been 6 weeks! It feels like so much longer. When your heart hurts, time can pass by so slowly and seem to last forever.
I told you last time, I would never stop searching for Birgit, and I never did. Every day when I left my house, I would check the sidewalks for her bike. I would glance at every person to see if they were the same size and shape as my friend. I would always be prepared to run after her or stop my car to talk with anyone I might think was Birgit.
The last time I wrote, I was deeply saddened by the loss and the fact that she did not seem to want to be found. It seemed like God had oriented another meeting with Birgit, through a friend of a friend. But it didn't work out.
I never want to appear inauthentic on here, so I always strive to write exactly how I feel. I don't think anyone can benefit from lies or acts we put on wishing we were something we're not. I always want to tell the absolute truth, the way it really happens.
From a very young age I have been a painfully honest person. I say painfully because my honesty has gotten me into trouble a time or two. There have been opportunities that I could have hidden things, but I always feel the need to confess. I cannot portray myself as anything but the truth. I must have a clear conscience.
I say all that, to tell you the days following the rejection I felt from not getting a call, I was depressed. I didn't want to do anything, or see anyone. I just laid around my house doing practically nothing. I took care of my family, I made sure my children got to school, but I felt so lost myself.
My heart ached so much that I think I brought sickness upon myself. I never miss church for anything, but I couldn't bring myself to go. I was so upset at God. People kept telling me I should be happy that at least I was given the opportunity to reconnect with her.
That's not how I felt. In fact, it was just the opposite. I complained to God that He never should have brought about the chance. I could handle that it wasn't meant to be, but not that she chose to not see me. That hurt too much.
God brought a friend to share a few words of encouragement, and I was able to move on. I shared a little about that the last time I wrote.
I was moving on, but still felt distant. I want to point out; this was my own feelings, not the truth of the situation. God had not moved, or done me wrong, I was the one who began to hold a grudge.
Last Sunday, my pastor was talking about Experiencing God. His number one point was "Be Open to Supernatural Moments." I actually felt like this was a cruel joke. I love to hear from God in a supernatural moment; however this past time I felt like I had been done wrong. We had Friendship Group that night, and I found I couldn't participate in the discussion. There were still things me and God needed to deal with, and honestly I didn't feel like even trying.
By Wednesday things were getting much better, and I was starting to get back to my normal self. Daily, my children and I have prayer journal time together before school, and often God shares things with me there. He sends me promises and reminds me of all that He's brought me through.
I think sometimes we just have to allow time to pass, and slowly God will mend our broken hearts. I don't think it's a switch that can just be flipped, especially if the hurt goes deep down inside of us.
This girl lies at the very core of my being. I have never felt such a connection to a person before. I don't understand it, but I am connected somehow, and I cannot change that fact.
On Wednesday night, my pastor was talking again about Experiencing God, and he had people share different experiences. I finally could see what God had done, and not factor in my feelings to the equation. It made it from just lip service down to my heart. I was at peace.
It was something my pastor said that really stood out to me and made me realize the truth of the situation. He asked the question, "Have you allowed God to have His agenda for you today, or your own?"
All this time it was my own agenda. I wanted it. I didn't really care if God wanted it, I was certain it was supposed to happen because I wanted it so badly. I figured God wouldn't give me this desire if it wasn't supposed to be. I never really asked Him what He wanted to happen. I think there are lots of times that we get in the way. We think because it's a really good thing that it must be a God thing.
So I finally had peace about the situation. I was going to move on, and just be thankful that I had the opportunity that first time to talk with my friend. It obviously made a huge impact on me; maybe it did something for her too. Sometimes we just never know.
The strangest thing happened to me that night. I had a dream about Birgit. She found me, and came to my house. I knew she was making deliveries now, and in my dream she forgot I didn't buy something from her, and she made a delivery to me anyways.
I woke up broken again. I cried with my husband, and told him it just wasn't fair. During the day I would think about her once or twice, I would look on the sidewalks while I drove around, but I wasn't going to go out of my way anymore. If God wanted something to happen, He was going to have to do it Himself.
I would go to bed each night thinking about something totally different, and I would dream about Birgit. She would come to my house. She would find me in the dream. I woke up so distraught, but I would deal with it. I was not going to make myself crazy anymore. My agenda was done.
For three nights in a row, I kept having the same dream. She would find me.
On Saturday afternoon, I was sewing some bean bags for Zechariah's 3rd birthday that is coming up in a couple of weeks. My daughter yelled to me that Grandma was here with her new car. I told her, "Well, open the door then." I wasn't going to get up if it was my mom. She could just let herself in.
The next words she said about made my heart stop. "Mom! It's not Grandma. It's Birgit!"
I ran to the door! I thought surely, she must be wrong. But it was! It was Birgit at my house! She found me, just like in my dreams. It was God's agenda this time. It was not me.
She said she was in the neighborhood making deliveries and she remembered that I wanted her to call me. I could have hugged her I was so happy, and I'm not the hugging type. I have not been able to stop smiling since. I got to spend an hour talking with her. I got her email address and I even got my picture taken with her. It was exactly as I wanted it to be.
God is so WOW! This was such a supernatural moment and I experienced God in a way I never have before. When we pray, He really does hear us. Don't ever doubt that.
I have not wavered from following you.
I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God.
Bend down and listen as I pray.
Show me your unfailing love in wonderful ways." Psalm 17:5-7