When we first brought our car home, I shared with you a post In My Darkest Hour. It was the first time we realized our car may not be all that we thought it was going to be.
God was helping me through a dark time, and I promised that I would still believe. Even when everything is so hard, and my faith is all but gone, I will believe that God will see me through. He has never given up on me, so how could I give up on Him?
God gave me a picture of a dark winding road that I had to trust Him to follow. It was not easy, and it was not clear which way I would need to turn. But if I just took it one step at a time, I would eventually be brought to a city full of light, and God would reveal His plan to me.
A little over a month later, we were dealing with some more car issues. The dealer we bought the car from, was less than honest with us, and we would be paying the price for his dishonesty. It was then that I posted Tear Down These Walls.
I had allowed myself to build walls of protection keeping everything and everyone out. My fear began to take over me, and I took my focus off of God, who could make everything right. I was overwhelmed, and looking to myself to figure things out. It wasn't until I realized this that my struggle lessened. God was in control again, and things were good.
In retrospect it seems so easy to trust God, and I often wonder, why do I falter in this? God has come through for me time and time again.
My only explanation is my humanity. It is natural to be fearful, and distrusting, and full of worry. To have faith is supernatural. I am not perfect, and I cannot expect myself to be.
Our car has been at the mechanic for the past three weeks. We brought it in initially to have the check engine light fixed, and to replace a dented transmission pan. We were pleased to find the dealer did not completely break the check engine light; he just covered it so the light would not shine through. This still resulted in a $200 bill, however we knew it could have been worse.
God was already preparing me for this new challenge that I would be going through. We dropped our car off at the mechanic on a Wednesday afternoon. As we were driving there, the song "In my darkest hour" played on the radio again. I was a bit fearful, but figured maybe God was telling me the hour was almost over. That night we went to church, and sang the song, "Tear down these walls." I told God, no matter what happens, I will still be strong. My faith will stand firm.
As the mechanic was test driving the car after he replaced the pan, the timing chain broke. He had to be towed back to his workshop. Now while I am very thankful it happened to him while he was driving it, I'm still frustrated that it had to happen.
I keep wondering, "what else could possibly go wrong on this car?"
The good news is that immediately the car was able to start the process of being fixed. The mechanic sent word to the warranty insurance we were given, and the paperwork is going through.
They have gone back and forth trying to fix the issue. The insurance is being difficult, but thankfully we have it and it will be fixed. The mechanic says the car should be as good as new when he's finished with it.
Through all this, we haven't received a new total for our bill. We do have a deductible we'll have to pay. Some things are not completely covered, and some are not covered at all.
I know that God is at work in all of this. I'm just tired and worn out. We've owned the car for 3 months now, and it's been out of our possession for more than a month of that time. I'm still driving my husband to work, and occasionally needing to pick him up.
I feel like I'm taking baby steps to follow God, but I know at least I'm doing it. As I was dropping Titus off at work this morning, the drive back home started to get to me. I'm emotional from school getting out, and my allergies have been driving me crazy. Neither of those things helped me.
I just started whining on the way home. I was trying to explain to God why I can't keep doing this. I need it to be over. I don't want to hear or think about this car anymore. I'm done.
It was when I yelled out, "God, why am I living in this darkness? I want to see the light of the city," that the words on the radio station made it through to my ears. "You put the light in me."
I broke down and cried. I could hardly see the road through my tears. I listened to the words as if God was speaking directly to me, because I knew that He was.
You tell the sun when to rise
I'm just a house on a hill
But You make me brighter
Than all the stars in the sky
Keep me from growing dim
‘Cause in Your perfection
I'm just a reflection
So pull me closer to You
I'll catch like a fire
And I'll hold You higher
‘Cause You put the light in me
I'll raise it high, I'll let it show
From the roof tops down to the streets below
In day and night, You will be known
And all will see
You put the light in me
The shot to the heart
You are the hope that leads me
Out of the dark
You let Your love shine down
So that the world can see
You put the light in me"
God is the hope that leads me out of my darkest hour. The seconds are ticking by, and soon the hour is going to be done. No matter what happens today or tomorrow, God put a light in me. I don't have to wait until I finally get to that lighted city.
The light has been inside me all along.
I want everyone in the world to know that my hope comes from God. And even when everything is dark and fearful, I have a light inside me that will shine out.
"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16
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